On Being Your Own Worst Enemy
For the past few years of my life, I have been struggling with a variety of different internal conflicts. You would never expect by looking at me that there was a constant war going on beneath my skin. Besides for the obvious lack of serotonin in my brain, my depression has honestly been my own doing through negative thought patterns and beliefs. I have pretty thick skin on the outside – anyone can come at me with harsh words and opinions and it really won’t get to me. However, when I say those same things to myself, I believe them… and begin to crumble from the inside out.
It’s the dark cloud inside of me that’s my biggest problem. The thunder rumbles and the lightning strikes, setting any self-esteem on fire to then wither to ashes. Any positive thoughts I have don’t last very long as they’re suppressed by the constant stream of critique playing over the loudspeakers. It’s exhausting standing up to a bully when they’re inside of you. But why do I put myself through all this stress?
Honestly, I wish I had an answer. Ever since I was a kid, I was naturally good at a lot of things that gained me attention. I was in the “talented and gifted” program, advanced at art, and always was the top girl in gym class (yes, I know I’m annoying). I was praised by many adults for being “mature”, which I took as a huge compliment. I think this constant success as a kid set the expectation in my brain that I must be the best in order to be worthy. (And don’t worry, I wasn’t marching around with a big head, I just kind of quietly did my own thing.)
Fast forward ten years and now I’m struggling with extreme perfectionism that I don’t know how to let go of. That need to be the absolute best is still ingrained somewhere in my brain. Except now, I don’t have fun with it like I did as a kid. I feel like an imposter. On the outside, it may look like I have it all together but on the inside, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
Even when I do succeed at things, I’m so blind to the success that I can’t even celebrate it. It’s like my brain intentionally tries to keep me feeling low. Then the cycle begins of “why try if I know I’m not going to be satisfied”, to not doing anything at all, to feeling like a piece of shit because I haven’t done anything, to then intensifying the feeling of failure. Doesn’t this just sound exhausting?
“Why try if I know I’m not going to be satisfied?”
This has been my biggest struggle for the majority of my teenage years (now into my adult years as I’m 20… yikes). The feeling of not being good enough then extends into other aspects of my life, such as my self-confidence. Very rarely do I look at myself and feel good. Most of the time it’s just critique and comparison to others. Not feeling good enough for friends. I isolated myself from others for years because I was so upset with myself that my thought was “if I don’t like myself, why would anyone else like me?”
I’ve taken a lot of actions to try and solve this problem over the years, which has slightly softened the pain. There are times when I actually begin to feel “normal” and maybe even like myself a bit. However, they seem to be short-lived and I go back under.
Every day is a battle, but I continue to fight because I know that each day is a step closer to the solution. This is not a post for pity or sympathy, this a post about being completely honest about my struggles.
If you feel like you experience the same things, just know you’re not alone. It’s a tough journey, but I believe that it WILL get better. I wish you well and lots of love x
20 Comments
Emerson
thank you reese for sharing❤ i can totally relate and you are not alone. keep making the great content you make!! but also take time for yourself. you deserve it!
Bárbara
Hi Reese. I love that people like you that are on the media share these kind of things with us, it makes us remember that you are real and we all struggle with tons of different things.
admin
thank you, that is my goal <3
admin
thank you x
Kim
You make me so proud by always expressing your true feeling. You are Good Enough and perfect is just a word. Don’t give it any power! YOU are your power and strength!! Stop fighting it and believe you deserve happiness and it will come your way. Be carefree and grateful and follow your motto: Keep going… ♥️ Mom
Hilda
Hi Reese!
I’m so sorry that you are going through such a harsh depression. I get what you mean, although mine is kinda different. Mine is that I have no motivation to do anything, I can’t watch sad movies because it will affect my mood (sad), and I “enjoy” living through other’s eyes like Youtubers, to name a few. It has helped me make it day to day, but main reason my depression isn’t as bad so far (knock on wood) is because I’m taking medication. I’m taking 3 different types of medications for my depression and nerves which is chronic.
I don’t like taking medication, but thanks to these medicines, I am able to have some days happy and bright, especially when I just sit outside the patio and look at nature. And I feel that thanks to these medications, I’m able to enjoy my days alive rather than breeze through without interest. I don’t want to waste my life. I had goals and dreams and I want to accomplish them some day.
What has also helped me to get by is doing the things I enjoy doing. To distract myself. If you like something, go for it! Even if you don’t feel anything at first, it will come much later. I had published a tween book years ago and my whole family was excited and proud of me, but I felt nothing. Nothing. Years later, it suddenly struck me and I became so happy and proud of that accomplishment. I shared it with my mom and she was there luckily to see me get hit by that realization of being now a published author that she smiled at me and said, “I told you so.”
You are not alone, Reese. There are so many of us like you struggling to make it through each day, but eventually, you will have those happy days again. Much love to you. 🙂 You will be fine.
admin
I’m happy you’ve found some ways to find peace! Thank you for your sweet message x
Hilda
Aww you are so welcome! 🙂
Lifestyle Bee
I relate to you so so much! I was that “gifted” and mature kid, but nothing was ever good enough for my parents and it started to not be good enough for me. It stuck with me and I am not my own worst critic and I’m trying to work on it as well. Thank you for sharing your struggle, and I wish you the best! <3
admin
The funny thing is my parents never had expectations of me that I had to live up to, they were my own. I’m wishing you the best with your journey!
jenna
hi reese.
i love your videos and content. when you talk about mental health/doubt/etc. i identify with it a lot. with you talking about extreme perfectionism and not being able to celebrate accomplishments it reminds me of “imposter syndrome”. i’m not sure if you’ve heard of the term but it refers to doubting your accomplishments and feeling like a “fraud” compared to others. there’s a lot of interesting articles on it and methods to specifically help it. just an interesting read if nothing else.
you talking about these things truly help others. wishing you the best x
admin
hi,
I definitely know of imposter syndrome and I think it’s exactly what I’m dealing with. However, I’m trying to overcome it every day. Thank you for your sweet message and I wish you the best as well <3
Viki (@Vikik297)
Honestly I thought that I am/ I was an only person experiencing this kind of stuff. It is sad in a way. I am really trying right now focus on being satisfied when I do something but to be really honest I am not no matter what. It is really upseting at times. But where there is hope there is a way… so maybe one day . Love you ♥
admin
It’s all about finding peace in the little things and knowing you’re expectations are too high, so it’s okay not the reach them. One day at a time 🙂
Bárbara
Despite all your struggles you are here, trying to get better. Sending you good positive vibes.
admin
thank you!
penguinelly
Hi Reese, I am indebted to you for many things. Mainly addressing the problems that you have in your head that I experience myself; the perfectionism, the ego and the feeling of dissatisfaction. Obviously we are both different people, we are both going on different paths in our own lives, whenever I read your blogs or watch your videos, I always feel inspired for my own life to address my anxiety, take back my life and attempt to become the person I want to become.
Recently I sought two amazing people who have had their life put together; their financial life, their lifestyle overall and their mindset. Ever since I’ve started to be mentored by these two people, I have a new outlook in life and I could never go back to my comfortable, mundane self beforehand because they really helped me take back my life.
I thank you for your growing and inspiration as a young adult for me to also be a mature, ambitious young adult, and I hope someday, not only will you kick your depression and anxiety in the a$$, but become happy and content with a life of satisfaction when you put in 110%.
Yours truly,
penguinelly <3
Alexa VanSuch
Everything you said I have never related more to. I am the exact same way where I always beat myself up over everything even if what I did was not bad. I have never told anyone about my problem because everyone has so much bugger issues than me I feel like. Everyone thinks I am the happiest girl but when I go in my room alone I am not. I suffer with anxiety, seasonal depression and maybe even regular depression. I have never talked to anyone about it so I don’t know. On top of that I am beating myself up everyday saying to myself I’m not pretty enough even though all my friends tell me and comment on photos saying I am. I tell myself so many horrible things and I believe them all. It is just hard because I have no one to talk to. So thank you for posting this and showing me that someone else is and has been going through the exact same thing as me since I was little.
So thank you,
Alexa 🙂
Alexa VanSuch
It is also hard because my older sister is golden child and I feel like I have all these expectations I am not living up to even though my parents tell me I don’t have to live up to them. I still feel like such a disappointment all the time. Sorry I am typing so much. I just have never related to anything more than your story like how you were naturally good at things when you were younger. I was the exact same way.
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