For the past few years of my life, I have been struggling with a variety of different internal conflicts. You would never expect by looking at me that there was a constant war going on beneath my skin. Besides for the obvious lack of serotonin in my brain, my depression has honestly been my own doing through negative thought patterns and beliefs. I have pretty thick skin on the outside – anyone can come at me with harsh words and opinions and it really won’t get to me. However, when I say those same things to myself, I believe them… and begin to crumble from the inside out. It’s the dark cloud inside of me that’s my biggest problem. The thunder rumbles and the lightning strikes, setting any self-esteem on fire to then wither to ashes. Any positive thoughts I have don’t last very long as they’re suppressed by the constant stream of critique playing over the loudspeakers. It’s exhausting standing up to a bully when they’re inside of you. But why do I put myself through all this stress? Honestly, I wish I had an answer. Ever since I was a kid, I was naturally good at a lot of things that gained me attention. I was in the “talented and gifted” program, advanced at art, and always was the top girl in gym class (yes, I know I’m annoying). I was praised by many adults for being “mature”, which I took as a huge compliment. I think this constant success as a kid set the expectation in my brain that I must be the best in order to be worthy. (And don’t worry, I wasn’t marching around with a big head, I just kind of quietly did my own thing.) Fast forward ten years and now I’m struggling with extreme perfectionism that I don’t know how to let go of. That need to be the absolute best is still ingrained somewhere in my brain. Except now, I don’t have fun with it like I did as a kid. I feel like an imposter. On the outside, it may look like I have it all together but on the inside, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Even when I do succeed at things, I’m so blind to the success that I can’t even celebrate it. It’s like my brain intentionally tries to keep me feeling low. Then the cycle begins of “why try if I know I’m not going to be satisfied”, to not doing anything at all, to feeling like a piece of shit because I haven’t done anything, to then intensifying the feeling of failure. Doesn’t this just sound exhausting? “Why try if I know I’m not going to be satisfied?” This has been my biggest struggle for the majority of my teenage years (now into my adult years as I’m 20… yikes). The feeling of not being good enough then extends into other aspects of my life, such as my self-confidence. Very rarely do I look at myself and feel good. Most of the time it’s just critique and comparison to others. Not feeling good enough for friends. I isolated myself from others for years because I was so upset with myself that my thought was “if I don’t like myself, why would anyone else like me?” I’ve taken a lot of actions to try and solve this problem over the years, which has slightly softened the pain. There are times when I actually begin to feel “normal” and maybe even like myself a bit. However, they seem to be short-lived and I go back under. Every day is a battle, but I continue to fight because I know that each day is a step closer to the solution. This is not a post for pity or sympathy, this a post about being completely honest about my struggles. If you feel like you experience the same things, just know you’re not alone. It’s a tough journey, but I believe that it WILL get better. I wish you well and lots of love x Liking my blog? Subscribe to my mailing list for updates!